When to let yourself be helped

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Everyone on earth has challenges to cope with every day. Big challenges, little challenges, and often multiple challenges. Despite difficulty, there is a tendency for a lot of people to avoid seeking or accepting help from others. Why is it hard for us to need help?

We are wired in many ways to do things on our own. This starts in childhood – children are often insistent that they can do things by themselves, even when they can’t quite. The “I can do it” attitude is nurtured in childhood for good reason – we want children to grow into independent and competent adults.

We may also have a hard time asking for help because we don’t want to be a burden to other people. We are all aware that people are busy, that other people have their own things to deal with and challenges to overcome. Asking for someone to help us with something may feel like too much to ask.

In many cases, we don’t ask for help because we don’t want to appear weak or fragile. We may want to be seen as self-sufficient and capable of taking care of ourselves with no help.

Interestingly, though, one thing that often makes people feel really good about themselves is — wait for it —

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Helping others.

So – in general – people feel good about helping other people, and at the same time – in general – people don’t like to ask other people for help. Isn’t there a better balance here for us to think about?

Thinking about this in terms of balance, as individuals we need to consider what we need in the way of big asks and little asks. On a daily basis, do we ask people to help us with little things? Asking a family member to take out the garbage, asking a friend for a small favor? Some daily small asks may feel easy, because we do them frequently and don’t need to put a lot of thought into them. Asking a family member to help with a chore is nearly a no-brainer because it is part of daily life and we are all in it together as a family. These types of helps are a little easier to balance.

But asking for bigger help, for bigger things, is a more challenging issue. During the pandemic, for example, people have needed to ask for help in unprecedented ways. Outside of the pandemic, there are always times that people need help but still don’t ask. It can be so difficult to do this. So how can we correct this imbalance?

It seems like we need to stop thinking of ourselves as potential burdens and start thinking of ourselves as part of a fellowship of human beings, who can best enjoy the time we have together on earth by helping and doing for others, and allowing others to help and do things for us. The phrases we hear, such as “It takes a village” or “Do unto others“, are meaningless if we don’t ask for or accept help. Opening your mind and your heart to the notion of letting someone else help you is the first step towards having better balance.

Asking someone for help in a time of need can, in some ways, be seen as a gift to the other person. Keep in mind that people feel good about helping other people, for the most part. So if you trust someone enough to ask for help in a time of need, you are gifting them with this trust, and gifting them with the opportunity to help someone they care about.

Offering help is an equal gift. When you know someone is struggling, offer to help. If she declines help but you believe she needs some support, find a different way to provide the support. An example if this might be if you have a friend who is ill, and you ask if she needs anything and she says no. Instead of just accepting the “no”, you could drop off some food at her home or send a thinking-of-you note to her to brighten her day while she recovers.

Finding this balance within relationships is an important piece of the equation. We have to be able to trust friends enough to ask them for support, but we also have to trust people to let us know when they can’t provide the support we need because of their own busy schedules, stress, or other burdens they have at the time. If you have one or two trusted friends that you know you can count on in times of need, you should be able to have honest conversations about what is possible in the way of help and support at any given time.

One final thought about seeking and accepting help when needed has to do with professional support. If you are sick, you likely will go to a doctor. If you need a haircut, you will likely go to a hairdresser. But if you need professional help in the way of counseling, or special support for your children (such as special education or behavioral therapy), it is often more difficult to take the steps to seek this help. Sometimes people may see this as a weakness or a stigma. It is so important that we strive to help reduce this perception. If you or someone you care about needs emotional or behavioral support, there are thousands of talented, compassionate and highly trained professionals to help people get through challenging times.

To find a better balance we can all benefit from looking for more ways to be supportive to others, while opening up our own minds to allow others to be supportive to us. With this balance, there is a potential for benefit to everyone.

Here’s how to make your Christmas shopping more meaningful this year.

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Kaarin Anderson Ryan, PhD, BCBA, LBA. 12.9.20

2020 has been a year to remember for everyone on the planet. Without getting into the details or repeating the same laments that we have all been sharing for months, I’ll just acknowledge that for many people, the holidays are feeling just a little but different this year. Who would have imagined that deciding whether or not to visit family would be a difficult and complicated decision? This is coupled with changes in our communities including restaurants and small businesses struggling every day to stay open and maintain hope.

So this year, it’s not too late to think about some ways to make your shopping more meaningful. Black Friday and Cyber Monday are over, so why not turn now to looking local to support your neighbors and community businesses? Here are some ideas to give back to your community while giving gifts to your friends and families.

  1. For anyone who follows me, you know that one thing near and dear to my heart is supporting people with diverse abilities. Has anyone noticed an increase in businesses that specifically and intentionally support people with diverse abilities? I have! Here are some examples:
    • Bitty and Beau’s Coffee. I had the incredible pleasure a couple years ago of walking into the absolutely beautiful Bitty and Beau’s shop in Charleston, SC without knowing anything about it. While waiting in line for my coffee, I learned about the company by looking around and reading some of the signs. Bitty and Beau’s was started by a family who has 2 children with Down Syndrome. They employ people with all kinds of unique needs and their mission is to promote full community inclusion. The have 4 locations: Charleston, SC – Wilmington, NC – Savannah, GA – Annapolis, MD. If you live near any of these consider stopping by and getting your loved ones gift cards. Or, you can go to their online shop and order coffee beans or check out their merch. They have everything from care packages to clothing with their logo to awareness items such as the #notbroken and the Radically Inclusive shirts and hats. A great way to support a business with a mission and find great gifts this holiday season.
    • John’s Crazy Socks. You will love this shop. This is a father-son business, with John, who has Down Syndrome, and his Dad, Mark. Look at their story for some real inspiration! They started selling fun and crazy socks online in 2016 and have gained a huge following. They have the best socks – fun, funny, colorful, crazy socks. They also sell a variety of awareness socks along with monthly subscriptions and are currently carrying a variety of face masks. Half of their employees have differing abilities. So, if you are looking for some fun gifts this is a good option for supporting community inclusion while checking off some boxes on your gift list.
    • We Are Lions. What a great idea this website is! They showcase items made by people with differing needs from all over the world. The site has categories for everyone, including clothing, home and bath, and accessories. All items will give you an artist profile so you can see exactly whose day you will be making a little bit better by buying their product.
    • Online specialty stores that showcase and sell items made and produced by people with differing needs. The websites are beautiful and they have fabulous products. Some of them include Purely Patrick, specializing in gourmet food from Vermont; Special Sparkle, offering lovely handmade bracelets, Two Blind Brothers, a site that gives you options of how much to spend and then sends you a box (you are blind to what you will get until it arrives, but they promise you that you will love it), and all profits go to the Foundation Fighting Blindness. There are many similar sites you can find by searching for special needs businesses online, and all your purchases from these places will support community inclusion and opportunity for these ambitious and creative individuals.
    • Local shops who focus on supporting special needs. This may include employment opportunities or showcasing products. Some examples include No Label at the Table in Indianapolis, One for All Gifts on Long Island, South Fork Bakery on Long Island, Just Goods Gifts in West Michigan, Cameron’s Coffee and Chocolate in Fairfax, VA. There are way too many to list but if you look in your community you will likely find some businesses that are either run by people with diverse abilities, or who mindfully employ those with diverse abilities.

2. Shop small, shop local. This Small Business Saturday movement started in 2010 with the support of American Express. The idea is to support small, local businesses by dedicating a day to shopping at small businesses on the Saturday after Thanksgiving – right after the Black Friday madness. This year, it is even more important to consider local purchases. What about Covid, though, and being out in the community? Well, many small shops have set up online experiences to allow you to shop online and pick up your items curbside or right inside the store to limit crowds. The website gives information about local small businesses in your area by using the interactive map. Clicking the dot for any business on the map will give you easy access to the address of the business and the website.

3. Give the gift of local services. We all know how much the restaurant and entertainment businesses have been affected by the pandemic. There are so many choices for local gifts in every area of the country. When it comes to gift certificates and gift cards, nothing would make your favorite local spots happier than to have people buy gifts to use and enjoy. You could consider any range of gifts, including restaurants, bakeries, car washes, spa and salon services, coffee shops, pet grooming, design services, art classes, fitness or yoga classes, or memberships to local museums. Not only does this support the local service industry, but it is a gift that keeps on giving after the holiday season, giving your friends and family something to look forward to in the coming weeks and months.

This time of year can be wonderful and difficult for all of us, on any given year. This year, let’s use it to give ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities an infusion of support and hope to push us into 2021 with a renewed sense of optimism.